[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?