Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Eat…
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
sin harder.