Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.