Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
#Caturday
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.