Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
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When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.