*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
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If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins