*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
584.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.