I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
don’t be scared
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Seems kinda suspicious
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?