JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
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Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My blood type is coffee.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
only 11 steps left
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH