JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
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When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.