@ilovepie84: "Jesus take the wheel" -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's Larry King. THERAPIST: Is that true? ME: *turns to camera* We'll hear more of Karen's lies. Up next.
@kyry5: The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
@vladchoc: I don't need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire
@_wendyb07: I hope I'm not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I'm serious about wanting it back.