“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
The Backseat Boys
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Sign of the day..
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.