I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
You Might Also Like
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I’m aging like a fine banana
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My typo game is string.