*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.