*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
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My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?