Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
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Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”