Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that