Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”