[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
You Might Also Like
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs