Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Facebook memories be like