Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Mornin
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.