Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
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[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Mhm.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey