what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Chemical wingman
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount