I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is so me 😂😂
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot