Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
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It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays