Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
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My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?