Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
everyone’s a critic
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba