@newcastlecourt: Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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@murrman5: [reeling in big fish and turns to friend] you got the net? "yes" ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
@mjkspeaks: The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don't have the remote.
@SoulYodeler: Wait you *must* be the aunt I've heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
@iinkedZombie: [pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*