@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
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@DanRegans: People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
@Crunk_Jews: Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.
@KalvinMacleod: DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span ME: that's hard to believe DOCTOR: are you checking your phone? ME: what?