@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
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@HenpeckedHal: Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
@mexinonblonde: My 2 year old granddaughter sounds like Eddie Vedder when she talks. And like Eddie I love the shit out of her but I can’t understand a god damn thing she says. The struggle.
@croninwhocares: "And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo." (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
@DaddyJew: 6: can u get me a drink? Me: no, you're 6yo. You can get your own drink 6: fine *goes to fridge Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?