dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
A drum solo but on your face.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem