@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
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@Erma_H_Gersh: 9: "Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?" Me: "No, I got it as a gift." 9: "Well, can I have it when you die, then?"
@BlindChow: [performance review] boss: from now on you're getting supervision me: yes!! boss: wait, that doesn't mean– me: *already smashing my glasses*
@ojedge: [Blackstreet Bakery] Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] "I love the way you work it" Baker: "No diggity?" Me: "Baguette up."
@totmessmom: We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.