Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
sry
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.