why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
honestly, i need both:
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!