[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Zack Greinke stories are the best
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Denise please return my vape pen
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.