[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
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“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.