[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.