[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
You Might Also Like
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*