*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
This 4th of July, please remember…
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Harsh but fair
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards