JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I feel it
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free