JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
You Might Also Like
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash