@Ian_H5: JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding
@Rollinintheseat: Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up."
Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."
@dreamthievin: My favorite romance novels begin with "Preheat oven to 350 degrees"
@JElvisWeinstein: People belittle the internet "talking about a dress" as if we're busy solving problems otherwise.
@matt___nelson: [getting escorted out of zoo] "I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie"
@ariscott: Social media: We're getting rid of chronological order.
SM: Cool, right?!
SM: Glad you're excited!