@Ian_H5: JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding
@BlindChow: 911: what's your emergency?
me: what's YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one's ever asked me that before!
me: jk I've been stabbed
@VodkaThursday: If you don't like my selfies, maybe you shouldn't have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren't ready to handle that kind of responsibility
@IrishVin: Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**
@HuffPostComedy: 10 anti-Valentine's Day cards that are perfect for your ex
@daemonic3: What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?