@Ian_H5: JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding
@TheTweetOfGod: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they're darker than, say, beige."- Statue of Liberty.
@DanMentos: me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
@KevinFarzad: "I have $50, less than an hour, and a ton of cocaine. Let's make a commercial!" - every furniture store owner
@daemonic3: *Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
Map: I have a boyfriend
@AsgardianRose: Autocorrect changed "panic attack" to "pancake attack" and now I'm hysterical AND hungry.