@Ian_H5: JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding
@goldengateblond: You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
@KyleMcDowell86: "Wanna see videos from my vacation?"
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
"This is the wrong video"
"No this is right"
@Brianhopecomedy: My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I'm not buying it as I don't think she can even say, "Please kick me in the face".
@PaperWash: When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
@SortaBad: There's something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.