You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“HELP WITH CAT”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them