Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
fr
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.