Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
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ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
How animals would run if they were human
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”