Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Customize Your Wedding.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE