[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down