[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.