[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Every BBC series about the universe.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.