[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
You Might Also Like
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”