[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.