Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.