*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?