[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.