[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.