<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
jesus christ confetti not now
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard