[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
*orders delivery*
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.