[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)